Amy de Rouvray

Self Cracked Open I and II

I.

II.

Notes From a Psychedelics-Assisted Therapy Session

memory
coming out surgery
photos
the
horror
show the children
my face hold
the baby
hold
the baby
not able to hold

I’m feeling a lot of love
anger
kindness
fear
I can’t heal him
I don’t want this
not in my
family
So much fear

He’s lurking
not here
hiding in the closet
listening so afraid
anger
right
or wrong his way
I know right from wrong
I need
to protect from
love
anger
I’m so tired
hatred
so
deep in him so deep

molested child
scared scared

He hid
He hates
He’s looking in anger

I felt so safe
when I was
sick love me when
I’m strong

It’s so beautiful
in here
my face
strong

talk to a dog they
know how to love

heal my
father
heal my
father

I chose
to pour into open cracks
my inner world

this too
scary
I hide
lonely

he’s broken
If I love him enough

I asked
a kind man
look at me
lean on me
he leaned leaned leaned lost
beautiful man

The poem tells me
love myself I belong
my sense of home
I want my children love
peaceful home
feel
heard listen I am there
I feel my children Please try
to feel them

my fear
real fear
inside that car
unsafe more and
more come back to the
true us
wonderful
adored

the bees knees
broke down my door

I believe I’m whole believe
truthful
my art
honored
listening to my fear
in my gut
his anger

No yelling
Stop
Stop
the kids
with the kids

We plan
intentional shared
I want

Family be friends

Note: “Self Cracked Open” I and II are blackout poems based on the author’s words
transcribed by a therapist during an MDMA-assisted therapy session.

Amy de Rouvray is an emerging French-American poet, currently pursuing an MFA in Creative Writing at San Francisco State University. Her writing has appeared or is forthcoming in North American Review and Empty House Press and has been recently named an Honorable Mention in the Art of Unity Literary Award.