Amy de Rouvray
Self Cracked Open I and II
I.
II.
Notes From a Psychedelics-Assisted Therapy Session
memory
coming out surgery
photos
the
horror
show the children
my face hold
the baby
hold
the baby
not able to hold
I’m feeling a lot of love
anger
kindness
fear
I can’t heal him
I don’t want this
not in my
family
So much fear
He’s lurking
not here
hiding in the closet
listening so afraid
anger
right
or wrong his way
I know right from wrong
I need
to protect from
love
anger
I’m so tired
hatred
so
deep in him so deep
molested child
scared scared
He hid
He hates
He’s looking in anger
I felt so safe
when I was
sick love me when
I’m strong
It’s so beautiful
in here
my face
strong
talk to a dog they
know how to love
heal my
father
heal my
father
I chose
to pour into open cracks
my inner world
this too
scary
I hide
lonely
he’s broken
If I love him enough
I asked
a kind man
look at me
lean on me
he leaned leaned leaned lost
beautiful man
The poem tells me
love myself I belong
my sense of home
I want my children love
peaceful home
feel
heard listen I am there
I feel my children Please try
to feel them
my fear
real fear
inside that car
unsafe more and
more come back to the
true us
wonderful
adored
the bees knees
broke down my door
I believe I’m whole believe
truthful
my art
honored
listening to my fear
in my gut
his anger
No yelling
Stop
Stop
the kids
with the kids
We plan
intentional shared
I want
Family be friends
Note: “Self Cracked Open” I and II are blackout poems based on the author’s words
transcribed by a therapist during an MDMA-assisted therapy session.